far too much writing, far too many photos

runswithscissors


From BURBANK SHRUGGED, a screenplay

© 1993, 2009 by Two Jerks From Cambridge
[Continued from Part 2]



CUT TO:

EXT. HOLLYWOOD SIDEWALK -- LATE MORNING

BENITO and ANGELA walk along a crowded stretch of Hollywood sidewalk. A heavy metal fan, BRICK (29, tall, long blond hair, tattoos, earrings, no shirt, pierced nipples, torn jeans, boots) carrying a huge boombox stops them.

BRICK:
Excuse me....

BENITO and ANGELA are visibly nervous.

BRICKS (cont'd):
Hey, it's okay, it's okay, be cool. You have one of these?

He holds the boombox up to them. They look from it to him, uncomprehending.

BRICK (cont'd):
Would you take it? It's my despair.

BENITO and ANGELA look at each other, then at BRICK.

BRICK (cont'd):
Please, I'm trying to let go.

He puts the boombox on the ground at their feet.

BRICK (cont'd):
It's a beautiful box. And here, see, you can have all these tapes.

They look at him. He puts his arms around their shoulders.

BRICK (cont'd):
Thanks. Enjoy it.

He shakes their hands, they look at him in confusion, he leaves.

BENITO and ANGEL look at the boombox, then examine it. BENITO pushes a button and...

Heavy metal music screams out of the box at top volume, literally blowing the Italians over. BENITO crawls back, as against a high wind, and turns it off. One of the lenses of his glasses is cracked. He and ANGELA look at each other.


CUT TO:

INT. SPERMINATOR SOUNDSTAGE -- AFTERNOON

A hillside at night. Fog drifts in and blows as JULIE, still scantily clad, runs up the hill, looking behind in fear.

There is barking down the hill, low and eerie, except for one voice barking higher.

JULIE trips and falls, spraining her ankle and showing cleavage. She looks down the hill, terrified, and drags herself up the hill, making noises of fear as...

The UNDEAD come through the fog. They lurch up the hill after JULIE, wearing dental outfits, grunting and moaning as they bark, their arms out in that way the UNDEAD always wlk, clutching dental tools. TOM is the shortest UNDEAD, dressed in a dental assistant's outfit.

Some of the UNDEAD have a hard time maintaining direction as they move up the hill, walking into things or wandering off in other directions. TOM physically moves any strays in the right direction of the pursuit.

JULIE, terrified as the UNDEAD close in, climbs a gnarled tree at the top of the hill.

The UNDEAD reach the tree, and JULIE's capture is imminent, when an eerie howling is heard down the other side of the hill. The UNDEAD freeze, listening. Another howl is heard, then another.

The UNDEAD panic, lurching around in disarray, walking into each other, injuring themselves with their dental tools, as the howls grow in number and draw nearer.

Suddenly, OLIVER REED bursts into view at the top of the hill, flanked by other MUTANTS.

OLIVER REED:
Open wide, my friends! Open wide!

The UNDEAD have regrouped and the two groups confront each other, howling and barking, positioning themselves for battle.

OLIVER REED:
Enough! Get them! Tear them apart!

The two groups lunge at each other, but instead of tearing each other to ribbons...

They begin sniffing each other's butts, like dogs.

OLIVER REED does a double-take, looking around in confusion. JULIE also looks surprised.

TOM still assists UNDEAD with navigational difficulties, helping some UNDEAD to bend over and find a MUTANT's butt or to get up when a MUTANT's sniffing makes them tip over.

OLIVER (cont'd):
What the hell is going on here?

No one pays any attention to him.

OLIVER (cont'd):
That's it. I'm off. No more B-movie rubbish for this actor.

ENRICO stops him. The UNDEAD and the MUTANTS begin to disengage, appearing a little bewildered.

ENRICO:
What wrong?

CARD:
Cut!

The cameras stop rolling. There is a bouzouki band over to one side of the set, done up in traditional dress. It begins playing Italian folk tunes.

OLIVER:
What wrong? It a fucking clown show, that what wrong!

ENRICO:
Dis small change I give dem.

OLIVER:
You told them to sniff each other's hind quarters?

TOM is by the tree, entranced by JULIE. She waves to him. He waves back, pleased and self-conscious.

ENRICO:
Si, si, it an improv.

OLIVER:
It what?

ENRICO:
An improv?

OLIVER:
No, no. No improvs on my time, mate.

ENRICO:
Ehh, but....

OLIVER points his index finger so that it is touching the end of ENRICO's nose. ENRICO's eyes focus on it for a second.

OLIVER (cont'd):
I'm here to do my job, not fart around with acting class games.

JULIE speaks to TOM in a low voice.

JULIE:
Jesus, who does this guy think he is?

ENRICO:
Eh, eh, okay, maybe we try someting different.

OLIVER:
Let's try sticking to the script for a change. That would be different.

JULIE:
What a prima donna.

TOM:
A prima donna?

OLIVER:
Hold it, hold it. I heard that. Who said those nasty words?

There is a confused silence on the set. The bouzouki bank keeps playing softly. A couple of stray styrofoam peanuts drift by. OLIVER turns to TOM.

OLIVER:
It was you, wasn't it, my lad?

TOM:
Um, I was just asking what....

OLIVER REED picks TOM up by his dental outfit. ENRICO motions to the CAMERA OPERATOR to start shooting.

OLIVER:
Try to have some balls, eh? Try not to be a gutless wanker when someone asks you a direct question.

TOM:
Um....

OLIVER REED begins building in intensity.

OLIVER:
Because some people might not like to be called names, and they might want to have a word with you about your MANNERS!

OLIVER REED shakes TOM on the word "manners."

JULIE:
He didn't say it -- I did.

OLIVER:
I heard what he said!

TOM:
I'm sorry! I loved you in "Tommy"!

OLIVER:
You've got to be more careful about what you say, old son. Because some of us are sensitive. Especially those of us who've been around the track a few times. We get very sensitive when we try to do our work like professionals and someone slips the blade in when they think we're not listening. It hurts very deeply, you see, when you feel unappreciated, after you've given your HEART and SOUL to what you're doing, after they DRESS YOU UP LIKE A POOF and you're forced to FLOUNCE ABOUT like some LAUGHABLE, WASHED-UP OLD B-MOVIE PILLOCK.

OLIVER REED is very intense and dramatic, waving TOM around with one hand as he talks.

OLIVER (cont'd):
So next time you have the bad judgment to say something unkind about me, make sure I'm not in the neighborhood or I'LL BREAK YOUR FUCKING COLLARBONE. AND THAT GOES FOR THE REST OF YOU BASTARDS!

He swings suddenly in the direction of the bouzouki bank, apoplectic.

OLIVER (cont'd):
SHUT THAT BLEEDING MUSIC UP!

The band stops, bewildered and cowed. OLIVER REED resumes addressing the entire set.

OLIVER (cont'd):
DO YOU THINK I ENJOY PLAYING THIRD-RATE VILLAINS IN CHEAP SHIT MOVIES? I CAN DO BETTER THAN THIS! I ACTED WITH ANN MARGARET! I WANT A LITTLE RESPECT! IF FOR NOTHING ELSE, FOR THE COURAGE IT TAKES TO GET UP DAY AFTER DAY AND COME HERE AND HUMILIATE MYSELF THIS WAY!

OLIVER is breaking down into tears. He sinks to his knees, clutching TOM, now bloodied and bruised, his outfit in tatters.

OLIVER (cont'd):
I have to do this trash. I have a family to support. And an ex-wife. All I ask is a little respect. A little understanding.

ENRICO flies over to OLIVER REED in transports of happiness.

ENRICO:
Oh! Oh! Bellisimo! Mio caro, such depth, such soul. Dis, what you just do, what you just share, did such a ting of beauty. My heart so full. You must do again for us, give us dis look inside you, but use de lines, si?

OLIVER:
Do the scene?

ENRICO:
Si, with you heart like you just do.

OLIVER REED stands up, wiping his face with TOM's shirt.

OLIVER:
I need him.

ENRICO:
Eh?

OLIVER REED refers to TOM, holding him by the neck.

OLIVER:
I need to use him.

TOM is dismayed. He struggles unsuccessfully to get free.

TOM:
Me?

ENRICO pats TOM's cheek.

ENRICO:
You see how much luck you bring me, my little one? What I do to deserve such good fortune?

The crew and cast get ready for a take.

CARD:
Let's go. Places, from "Open wide."

OLIVER REED resumes his place, his arm around TOM's neck. TOM looks beseechingly at JULIE, who shrugs apologetically and climbs the tree.

ENRICO speaks to CARD:

ENRICO:
Is bungi-cam ready?

CARD yells up to the grid above the set:

CARD:
HEY, BUNGI-CAM, ARE YOU READY?


CUT TO:

INT. GRID ABOVE SPERMINATOR SET -- AFTERNOON

A CAMERAMAN stand on the grid above the set. He holds a steadicam and wears a wide belt around his middle to which bungi cords are fastened on either side of his body.

BUNGI MAN (doubtful, nervous):
Yeah, I guess we're set.


CUT TO:

INT. SPERMINATOR SOUNDSTAGE -- AFTERNOON

CARD:
He's ready.

ENRICO:
Bene, bene.

CARD:
ALL RIGHT! LET'S GO!


CUT TO:

EXT. A FIELD -- EVENING

In black and white, a teenage GIRL (17, pretty) runs into view, fearful and out of breath, clothes tattered. She stops and looks behind her.

EXT. ZOOM-IN, EDGE OF FIELD -- EVENING

Several UNDEAD teenagers appear, coming through trees and advancing across the field after the GIRL. The picture jiggles a little, then zooms in on...

EXT. CLOSE-UP, TEENAGE GIRL'S FACE -- EVENING

...the GIRL. Her eyes widen in horror as she sees the UNDEAD.

EXT. FIELD -- EVENING

The picture is at an angle as the GIRL turns and runs, slipping and falling, then she gets up and hides behind a tree at the edge of the field. She peeks around at the UNDEAD, breathing heavily.

ENRICO (off-screen):
Who dis is?

EXT. MEDIUM SHOT, UNDEAD WALKING -- EVENING

The UNDEAD continue to advance.

TOM (off-screen):
That's Michelle O'Neill. She went to my school.

EXT. TREE AT EDGE OF FIELD -- EVENING

The GIRL sees a large tree branch on the ground and picks it up, holding it like a baseball bat.

TOM (cont'd, o.s.):
The guy she's gonng hurt right now is her brother, Billy. She liked this scene.

EXT. CLOSE-UP, TEENAGE GIRL'S FACE -- EVENING

She waits, her expression afraid and determined.

EXT. MEDIUM SHOT, TREE AT EDGE OF FIELD -- EVENING

One of the UNDEAD approaches the tree. This UNDEAD person is clearly someone wearing a coat up over their head with a hat-wearing mannequin's head sticking out of the neck of the coat.

The GIRL steps out and swings the tree branch, knocking the head off. Some blood spurts out of the neck. The GIRL drops the branch and runs.

ENRICO (o.s.):
You make her hero of story?

The headless UNDEAD person stumbles around blindly, getting entangled with another UNDEAD person. They fall to the ground together.

TOM: (o.s.):
I pretty much let her do whatever she wanted to do.

More UNDEAD try to help the first two get up, they all fall over until there is a writhing mass of UNDEAD on the ground.

The picture suddenly goes into reverse until it reaches the head-knocked-off moment, then goes forward again.

The picture slowly opens out to show TOM and ENRICO watching the video on the wide-screen stereo television in TOM's condo. it is evening.

ENRICO:
Now, how you do this?

TOM:
The head coming off.

ENRICO:
De blood. What you use?

As they talk, ENRICO uses a remote control to reverse and forward the video again.

TOM:
Gee, it's been a while. We couldn't find any ketchup that looked right, so we came up with a combination of Karo syrup and food coloring. We had to water it down a lot to get it to spray like that. You think it looks okay?

ENRICO:
Si, si. It expensive?

TOM:
Enrico, we didn't have any money. We used stuff our parents had.

ENRICO:
You have some here, you tink?

TOM:
I don't know.

ENRICO:
We look.

They get up and go to the kitchen.

On the television screen, the GIRL is rolling a boulder over the UNDEAD, who are still tangled up on the ground.

INT. TOM'S KITCHEN -- EVENING

ENRICO and TOM are opening cabinets and rummaging through the contents. They pull out cans of gourmet food and yuppie kitchen gadgets.

ENRICO:
How long you live here?

TOM:
A couple of weeks.

ENRICO:
Dat all? It look so beautiful.

TOM:
I know, I was pretty lucky. A guy I met gave it to me.

ENRICO stops, with an armful of yuppie foods and kitchen gadgets.

ENRICO:
Someone give to you? Give you his home?

TOM:
Uh-huh. Pretty nice, huh?

ENRICO doesn't answer. He is looking at the kitchen in wonder. He moves out of the kitchen into the dining/livingroom, his arms still full of things from the kitchen.

ENRICO:
He give you dis whole, beautiful place? Why someone do dat?

ENRICO is moving through the condo as he talks. TOM is moving behind him, his arms also full of things from the kitchen.

TOM:
Well, see, he was joining the Way, so he was giving away everything he owned.

ENRICO:
He give away everything?

TOM:
Uh-huh, that's what they....

Every room in the condo is beautiful and well-kept, for the most part, except for TOM's bedroom which is a godawful mess. ENRICO heads back toward the kitchen.

ENRICO (mysteriously):
No, I think he do it for other reason. He make you tink he give everything away. I think he keep set of key and come back in middle of night, quiet, very quiet, tippy-tippy-toeing in to find you. And what he do?

TOM:
He wants his home back?

ENRICO:
No, he never really want to give it way.

TOM:
He wants to control me!

ENRICO:
Yes!

TOM:
Because he's one of the undead!

ENRICO:
Yes! In fact, he never leave. He still here!

They both see a photograph of JEFFREY and his two sons that hangs in the kitchen and they scream, throwing their armfuls of stuff into the air.

ENRICO/TOM:
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

TOM:
What do we do?

ENRICO:
We fight for you life!

ENRICO grabs a can and opens it with the electric can opener as TOM opens bags of pasta and throw food at JEFFREY's photograph.

TOM:
No, Jeffrey! You can't have my soul! It's mine!

ENRICO begins tossing cranberry sauce at the photo and at TOM, who opens the refrigerator, grabs a squirt bottle of ketchup and sprays ENRICO with it.

ENRICO:
What you do? I on you side.

TOM:
No, you're one of them! You're an agent of darkness! AAAAA!

ENRICO throws cranberry sauce at TOM.

ENRICO:
Yes! And it only a matter of time before we wear you down!

TOM opens a cabinet and packaged goods come pouring out, hitting him on the head, including a bag of flour which opens up, releasing a huge cloud of flour. TOM goes down and doesn't move.

ENRICO (cont'd):
Tom?

ENRICO is alarmed and goes to TOM.

ENRICO (cont'd):
Tom. Mio caro. Talk to me. You are okay?

A beat of ENRICO kneeling by TOM, as TOM lies with his eyes closed. Then...

TOM grabs ENRICO by the neck with one hand and sprays his face with ketchup with the other hand. They scream as ENRICO is pulled to the floor.

Flour drifts in the air along with the noise of struggle and laughter.


CUT TO:

EXT. HOLLYWOOD SIDEWALK -- LATE MORNING

BENITO and ANGELA are walking, loaded down with their belongings, along with a boombox, cameras, watches, sunglasses, cowboy hats and more luggage. They speak in Italian with subtitles.

ANGELA:
Why does everyone keep giving us gifts?

BENITO:
Because they're Americans and they're crazy.

They stop in front of a hardware store, "Hollywood Tooltown -- Hardware to the Stars." They peer at the window, then nod to each other and move toward the entrance as TOM and CARD pull up in the van.

CARD:
Make it quick. This is Enrico's money. Get the goddam hoses and get back out here.

TOM gets out and enters the store with the ITALIANS, holding the door open for them.

INT. HOLLYWOOD HARDWARE -- LATE MORNING

BENITO and ANGELA enter the store.

It looks like a standard hardware store except for some touches that attempt to give it a Hollywood/South California/theme park flavor.

Each section of the store has a theme, indicated by tacky signs and decorations. The walls around the store sport mediocre mural-like paintings of film stars holding tools: Humphrey Bogart, John Wayne, Marilyn Monroe, Bette Davis, etc.

The sales people all wear similar outfits, each with a nametag shaped like a tool. A salesman named MANOLO (hispanic, 25, medium build) approaches BENITO and ANGELA. MANOLO is wearing a nametag shaped like a hammer that says, "Hi, my name is Manolo. Ask me about HAMMERS."

MANOLO:
Hi, can I help you folks?

BENITO and ANGELA head down an aisle without answering. MANOLO follows them.

MANOLO (cont'd):
Were you looking for something in particular or are you just browsing?

The ITALIANS move through the aisles, each section named for the tools in it -- Hoseland, Hammer Heaven, Screwdriver City, Plumbing and Heatingburg, Garden and Lawn Grove.

TOM is visible in the background once or twice, moving through the store and stopping at Hoseland.

MANOLO (cont'd):
We have circulars with this week's specials up by the check-out if that would help find what you need.

BENITO and ANGELA stop at the Wrench Ranch and look closely at the wrenches. ANGELA takes out the newspaper clipping, BENITO takes it from her and they compare wrenches with the one in the photograph.

MANOLO (cont'd):
We have a special on our Deluxe Swiss Army Wrench this week. The top-of-the-line model has a police and fire band scanner. Very high quality, made in Switzerland, comes with an unlimited warranty.

As MANOLO talks, TOM gets on line at the check-out, holding as many coils of garden hose as he can carry.

BENITO and ANGELA pick up different wrenches and compare the size and heft until BENITO picks up a massive, heavy wrench and hefts it a bit with some difficulty.

MANOLO (cont'd):
Oh, that's a serious wrench you have there. That's our blue collar model, a basic, heavy-duty wrench, guaranteed to get the job done.

CARD enters the store and calls to TOM.

CARD:
What's the hold-up?

TOM holds the tool up and gestures to the line in front of him. CARD looks around and his attention is caught by a display of "stud weasels." He picks one up and checks it out.

CARD (to himself):
What the hell's a stud weasel?

BENITO and ANGELA decide to buy the mega-wrench.

BENITO:
Bene.

MANOLO:
Ah, an excellent choice, and as I said, guaranteed. If you're not satisfied with it for any reason...

BENITO and ANGELA move toward the cashier and MANOLO trails behind them.

MANOLO (cont'd):
...bring it back for a full refund.

BENITO and ANGELA get on line behind TOM.

MANOLO (cont'd):
Okay then. You have a nice day.

ANGELA nudges BENITO and gestures toward TOM. BENITO gets out the newspaper clipping and shows it to TOM.

BENITO (in Italian, subtitled):
You know him?

TOM looks at BENITO, then at the picture and realizes:

TOM:
Hey, I know him! That's Enrico!

ANGELA:
Si! Enrico!

TOM:
You know Enrico?

ANGELA:
Si, si, Enrico!

TOM:
Why is his name Mort here?

Through the store window, CARD sees a meter maid moving toward the van, looking at the license plate.

CARD:
Shit.

Not realizing he is still holding the stud weasel, CARD starts to exit, setting off a shoplifter alarm. Very loud whooping noise.

MANOLO:
Shoplifter alert! Look sharp, everyone!

MANOLO hurries over as two other SALESPEOPLE tackle CARD, dragging him back into the store.

MANOLO (cont'd):
Okay, watch it now. Don't hurt the tool.


CUT TO:

EXT. HOLLYWOOD TOOLTOWN -- LATE MORNING

TOM, CARD, BENITO and ANGELA exit the store. The ITALIANS are struggling with the things they carry. TOM is weighted down with many coils of garden hose. CARD looks scuffed and rumpled.

CARD:
Christ, it was just a stud weasel. It's like it was grand theft.

TOM:
Card, these people know Enrico! They don't speak English and they don't have anywhere else to go.

CARD:
We can't just bring them to the set.

TOM:
But they're friends of Enrico!

BENITO:
Enrico!

CARD:
Enrico never mentioned anything about expecting family! We don't know who these midgets are! They could be anyone, a couple of tourists who know his name.

TOM:
Card....

CARD:
Look at 'em. They could be a pair of Sicilians on the run from the law.

TOM:
Listen, I just got you off the hook in there! I pointed out the meter maid and I vouched for you! Now you listen to me! These people know Enrico! They're looking for him!

CARD:
No! N - O!


CUT TO:

INT. VAN -- LATE MORNING

CARD, TOM, ANGELA and BENITO crammed into the front of the van , driving along.

TOM:
This is real nice of you.

CARD:
Fine. Shut up.

CARD stops at a red light and shoves a cassette into the van's cassette player, the music is distorted as if the tape is being damaged. CARD pounds the player a couple of times, then pulls the tape out. Tape streams out of the cassette, caught in the workings of the player.

Two derelicts, SONNY BONO and PETER FALK, start to clean CARD's windshield.

CARD:
Hey, get away from there! Beat it! Get out of here!

SONNY BONO and PETER FALK fall back from the van as CARD guns the engine.

EXT. INTERSECTION -- MORNING

CARD takes off through the red light, horns wailing around him. PETER FALK yells after CARD:

PETER FALK:
Sure, brush us off, you punk bastard!


CUT TO:

EXT. DIZ'S MERCEDES -- MORNING

DIZ and SHIRLEY leave the Way, pulling out into traffic, then stopping at a red light. SHIRLEY's window is open.

SHIRLEY:
Are you sure Enrico will have time for a lunchtime meeting?

DIZ:
He'll make time for us.

SHIRLEY:
So what's the story with Enrico?

DIZ:
Enrico?

SHIRLEY:
He seems like such a sweet little nebbish.

DIZ:
Very sweet guy.

SHIRLEY:
So what's with his films?

DIZ:
What, the violence? Well, don't laugh at me, but I suspect that may be why he's so sweet. He gets all the nasty shit out of his system, then gets big approval for it.

SHIRLEY:
Is that what you think? Is that why horror films are so popular? Venting?

DIZ:
Well, that's one theory.

SHIRLEY:
What about you? Why do you release his films?

DIZ:
I'm trying to keep the studio alive.

SHIRLEY reflects briefly.

SHIRLEY:
I need to learn more about this. You think Enrico will actually have any interest in family films?

DIZ sees PETER FALK and SONNY BONO approaching.

DIZ:
We'll see. Uh-oh. Hold on.

The car takes off, passing PETER FALK and SONNY BONO, who stand with their squeegees, watching after it.

SONNY BONO:
Tough corner.


CUT TO:

INT. CLOSE-UP OF OLIVER REED -- SPERMINATOR SOUNDSTAGE -- MORNING

OLIVER REED is standing on top of a grain storage silo beneath a sky dark with clouds. Great wind and lightning.

OLIVER REED is waving the broken pieces of a chair in each of his three hands and yelling, foaming lightly from the mouth. He is so impassioned and possessed that at times he actually chews at the broken pieces of furniture.

OLIVER:
Death! Slaughter! Unpleasantness!

He howls and hurls a piece of furniture to the ground.


CUT TO:

INT. MEDIUM SHOT OF BATTLE -- SPERMINATOR SOUNDSTAGE -- MORNING

There is a brawl going on between the UNDEAD DENTISTS and the MUTANTS.

Five skimpily-dressed women, including JULIE, are trapped up against the barn fighting off MUTANTS and UNDEAD.

A large UNDEAD DENTIST is hit by OLIVER'S thrown piece of furniture, turns and looks up at him, yelling unintelligibly with fury. JULIE smells something and yells.

JULIE:
The gasses! They're going to explode!

A crowd of UNDEAD and MUTANTS pour out in a panicked stream from the barn that abuts the silo, yelling through cleft palates:

MUTANTS, UNDEAD:
The gasseees! The gassseeeeeeeess!


CUT TO:

INT. CLOSE-UP OF OLIVER REED -- SPERMINATOR SOUNDSTAGE -- MORNING

OLIVER REED continues ranting down at the battle.

OLIVER:
You will die! You will no longer be undead! None of you will make it home for Christmas! You will be the un-undead, the ex-undead....

He pauses and shakes his head.

OLIVER:
Shit. I'm sorry.

OLIVER REED steps off the silo roof and out of the frame, so that he may have stepped off into space and fallen.

The silo scene has been on a television monitor. The picture moves back from the monitor to show the entire set.

INT. MEDIUM SHOT OF SILO SET -- SPERMINATOR SOUNDSTAGE -- MORNING

The silo is a mock-up that is two feet high. OLIVER REED walks away from it apologizing, a little disgusted with himself. A bell rings. The hubbub of talk and activity between takes starts up.

OLIVER:
Sorry, sorry. What's the order of the lines there? I can't seem to get it.

SCRIPT ASSISTANT:
"You will die. None of you will make it home for Christmas. You will no longer be undead. The undead will be dead -- painfully, miserably dead here on this alien ground."

OLIVER REED says the last few words with her.

OLIVER:
"...here on this alien ground." Right, right. Sorry. I can be a bit of a twit when it comes to remembering lines.

ASSISTANT DIRECTOR:
Gee, we never noticed, Ollie.

OLIVER:
What? Sarcasm?

He grabs the A.D. in a headlock, then grabs the SCRIPT ASSISTANT with his other arm and holds them in a joking, affectionate hug.

OLIVER:
Rrrrr! It's been great working with you disrespectful knuckleheads.

OLIVER REED lets them go and walks over to LESTER, the props man (50ish, resembles and talks like SLIM PICKINS), who sits by several large stacks of chairs.

OLIVER:
Lester, what will I do without you and your chairs when I'm in Bucharest?

LESTER:
Work with some other lackey.

OLIVER:
It won't be the same, but King Lear will just have to deal with it. I want you to know you've been a sweetheart on this film. Thank you.

OLIVER REED takes LESTER's hand to shake, then draws him into a brief bear hug.

LESTER:
Jesus, Ollie, we've never seen you get all mushy like this. It's embarrassing.

OLIVER REED responds affectionately.

OLIVER:
Fuck you. Now, let's see, for this take, I think I'd like something more... I don't know... say, Louis Quatorze.

LESTER chooses a chair from the pile.

LESTER:
This should do 'er.

OLIVER:
Great! Great! An elegant choice for my final day.

LESTER picks up his axe and smashes the chair into pieces. OLIVER picks three splintered pieces, putting one in his third hand.


CUT TO:

INT. SPERMINATOR SOUNDSTAGE -- MORNING

CARD, TOM, ANGELA and BENITO enter the soundstage, making their way through the activity toward the shooting area. TOM is hauling lengths of hose, which technicians relieve him of.

BENITO and ANGELA, still carrying their belongings, are a touch disoriented by the scene around them.

Terribly mutilated MUTANTS and UNDEAD walk by drinking soda, smoking, talking. Loud thunder and rain goes on and off from speakers somewhere above.

TOM:
Where's Enrico?

CARD:
How the hell should I know? Follow the broken English.

CARD starts to stalk off, TOM steps up onto the hillside set and climbs for a better view of where ENRICO might be. BENITO and ANGELA carefully follow him up the set.

CARD:
Hey!

TOM, BENITO and ANGELA stop and look at CARD.

CARD (cont'd):
They can't go up there. Get 'em off before they break something.

TOM:
But I was just looking....

CARD (interrupting):
Get 'em off there! Let's go!

TOM:
Okay, sorry.

TOM, BENITO and ANGELA get off the set. BENITO and ANGELA dismount slowly and carefully, looking from CARD to the set.

CARD:
Wake up. If anything happens to them or they damage anything, my ass is in a sling.

CARD goes to a knot of people gathered around a monitor and pushes someone aside, inserting himself into the activity.

TOM, looking around, sees SHIRLEY and DIZ enter the soundstage and rushes toward them as DIZ speaks to SHIRLEY.

DIZ:
All right with you if I check on a couple of things?

SHIRLEY:
I'll manage.

DIZ:
This won't take long.

He walks off.

TOM:
Hey!

SHIRLEY turns toward TOM.

TOM (cont'd):
I mean, hi. I.... Sorry.

SHIRLEY:
We're starting to see a lot of each other, aren't we?

TOM:
Uh-huh. You speak Italian?

SHIRLEY:
Si.

TOM:
I have these people here....

TOM turns, finds no ITALIANS.


CUT TO:

INT. ENRICO's FOOD CART, SPERMINATOR SOUNDSTAGE -- MORNING

ANGELA and BENITO's belongings are heaped by the cart. ANGELA and CARMELINA converse in subtitled Italian. BENITO looks around impassively.

ANGELA:
This smells very nice.

CARMELINA:
Thank you. I grew the eggplants in my garden.

ANGELA:
So you came from Turino to work for Signor Zefferberg?

TOM and SHIRLEY arrive.

TOM:
This is them.

SHIRLEY:
Buongiorno.

TOM (clumsily trying to make an introduction):
Um, ma'am...

SHIRLEY:
Shirley.

TOM:
...Shirley, these are Enrico's friends.

SHIRLEY (in Italian, subtitled):
I am pleased to meet you.

ANGELA: (in Italian, subtitled):
You speak Italian?

SHIRLEY (in Italian, subtitled):
Enough to get by.


CUT TO:

INT. NEAR SET ON SPERMINATOR SOUNDSTAGE -- MORNING

DIZ and the M.E. stand near scaffolding erected near the set directly behind a camera crane. Atop the scaffolding, repairs to lighting bars are underway. The M.E. calls up to the men working on fastening the bars down.

M.E.:
Those repairs about finished?

GRIP (yelling down):
We're gettin' there.

DIZ:
We can't afford any more trouble.

M.E.:
Of course. It won't happen again.

GRIP (yelling down):
They're just about nailed down!

DIZ:
Good. Wrap it up, okay?


[To be continued in Part 4]





MORE FOCUSED BLATHERINGS


Travels:
London '01
Pamplona
Italy '03
U.K. '03
Sevilla
Casablanca
Stoke-on-Trent
Barcelona
Québec/Ottawa
Boston/Lisbon/Madrid
Italy '04
Montréal
La Sierra

Events:
Madrid -- arrival
9/11
Emergency Room I
Holidays 2001
Holidays 2002
Holidays 2003
Holidays 2004
Holidays 2005
A neighbor's passing
Madrid -- March 11 bombings
  and aftermath
Emergency Room II
Israeli friend/Madrid Marathon
Madrid -- Royal Wedding
The DELE exam

GONE, a novel:
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10

THE BASTARD CHILDREN OF
JOE ROCCO, a novella:
-- Part 1
-- Part 2
-- Part 3

BURBANK SHRUGGED,
a screenplay:
-- Part 1
-- Part 2
-- Part 3
-- Part 4

Short stories:
Murphy's Wife
Another Autumn
La Queja de Una
  Hermanastra Muy Conocida

Autobiography
-- Personal History
-- Hormones On Parade
-- Accidents, Random Mishaps,
    Personal Problems

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