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runswithscissors


Saturday, May 21, 2005

Three days from now I'll be in a Lufthansa jetliner, en route to northern Vermont via the lovely cities of Frankfurt and Boston. Three short days from now. And as that shift has drawn closer during the course of this last week, it's come to feel less abstract, more real -- looming, undeniable, approaching at steadily increasing velocity. Which is my cue to begin the now traditional pre-departure freaking out.

It's a quiet affair, the pre-bolt freak, one that affects no one but me, myself and, er, me. And it may actually be that the term 'freak' is a touch exaggerated. (Not that this journal is given to exaggeration or overwrought spewing, mind you. Harrumph.) Just a touch, though, because as emotional processes go, this one is genuine, heartfelt, one that can burn up a substantial pile of linear time/mental calories as I work my way through it. Which I always do. Eventually.

I tend not to write about times I find myself skidding through big, goofy emotional states, at least not directly. A scribbler of greater abilities than mine might be able to pull that kind of thing off, but it's not -- or at least has not been to this point -- my strong suit. Whenever I head off in that direction, the product becomes a big waste of everyone's time -- turgid, silly, boring -- pretty much in no time flat. So I try to stick with stuff I hope will not put visitors immediately to sleep.

Anyway. The process these last few days has been directly connected with insufficient sleep, a state that got underway a week and a half before the DELE exam, me waking up in the early hours, getting no more than four or five hours of shuteye a night, not enough to truly disrupt daily existence but with enough cumulative power to affect nerves already slightly ragged, emotions already a teeny bit raw. Post-exam social activity and nerves unwinding at their own slow pace continued the waking-too-early thing until yesterday, when my body let me know it wanted an early night and I listened. Result: a full, satisfying night of sleep. Creating a happier me, more sanguine, more relaxed.

Something I experience in the days before each return to Vermont: a hyperawareness that all the elements that form the life in this part of the world -- the sounds of conversation in Castellano, of music coming from a bar or club; the faces I see every day here in the barrio; the Saturday night streets overflowing with people; the radio stations I listen to, the bits of Spanish television I watch, the espresso (the espresso!), the food (the food!) -- will not be part of my days for a while. Edged, I think, with the awareness that life has its unpredictabilities, that I have not been, these last years, completely certain where I'll be a few months off in the future, something that can give rise to real sadness, even a species of panic if I dwell on it. Something I try not spend to devote too much time to, given the way it squanders this day, this moment.

Two nights ago: me, out with the group of people I've connected with recently. Soaking it up, knowing I'll be thousands of miles away soon. (Makes it bittersweet at times, lapsing into that 'won't be here soon' hooha.) And then I forget about it, enjoy the conversation, watching the faces around me and the life shining through them, enjoy the tunes on the stereo, the chow we're hoovering down. The simple things, the important things.

The rest of it can get stuffed.

Saturday evening's coming on. Time to go enjoy it.


Madrid, te quiero.

rws 5:52 AM [+]

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BLATHERINGS

August 2001
September 2001
October 2001
November 2001
December 2001
January 2002
February 2002
March 2002
April 2002
May 2002
June 2002
July 2002
August 2002
September 2002
October 2002
November 2002
December 2002
January 2003
February 2003
March 2003
April 2003
May 2003
June 2003
July 2003
August 2003
September 2003
October 2003
November 2003
December 2003
January 2004
February 2004
March 2004
April 2004
May 2004
June 2004
July 2004
August 2004
September 2004
October 2004
November 2004
December 2004
January 2005
February 2005
March 2005
April 2005
May 2005
June 2005
July 2005
August 2005
September 2005
October 2005
November 2005
December 2005
January 2006
February 2006
March 2006
April 2006
May 2006
June 2006
July 2006
August 2006
September 2006
October 2006
November 2006
December 2006
January 2007
February 2007
March 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
August 2007
September 2007
October 2007
November 2007
December 2007
January 2008
February 2008
March 2008
April 2008
May 2008
June 2008
July 2008
August 2008
September 2008
October 2008
November 2008
December 2008
January 2009
February 2009
March 2009
April 2009
June 2009
July 2009

.  .  .  .  .  .  .  .


MORE FOCUSED BLATHERINGS


Travels:
London '01
Pamplona
Italy '03
U.K. '03
Sevilla
Casablanca
Stoke-on-Trent
Barcelona
Québec/Ottawa
Boston/Lisbon/Madrid
Italy '04
Montréal
La Sierra

Events:
Madrid -- arrival
9/11
Emergency Room I
Holidays 2001
Holidays 2002
Holidays 2003
Holidays 2004
Holidays 2005
A neighbor's passing
Madrid -- March 11 bombings
  and aftermath
Emergency Room II
Israeli friend/Madrid Marathon
Madrid -- Royal Wedding
The DELE exam

GONE, a novel:
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10

THE BASTARD CHILDREN OF
JOE ROCCO, a novella:
-- Part 1
-- Part 2
-- Part 3

BURBANK SHRUGGED,
a screenplay:
-- Part 1
-- Part 2
-- Part 3
-- Part 4

Short stories:
Murphy's Wife
Another Autumn
La Queja de Una
  Hermanastra Muy Conocida

Autobiography
-- Personal History
-- Hormones On Parade
-- Accidents, Random Mishaps,
    Personal Problems

.  .  .  .  .  .  .  .


OTHER SOURCES OF WHOLESOME ENTERTAINMENT

People/Weblogs:
dooce
foxvox
fudge it
fear not
rebekka
bookslut
802online
idle words
madhaiku
wockerjabby
grow-a-brain
rebel market
letting me be
out and about
kung fu grippe
fanatical apathy
baghdad burning
wfuv's music blog
kexp's music blog
mimi smartypants
between the miles
just a hippie gypsy
the impossible cool
tomato can brushes
vermont homestead
sugar mountain farm

Good Clean Fun:
gizmodo
futurismic
postsecret
dave barry
human clock
mcsweeney's
spaceweather
book-a-minute
internet archive
self-portrait day
my cat hates you
out of context quotes
surrealist compliment
  generator
strindberg and helium

Makin' Musical Whoopee:
last fm
stereo8
pandora
soma fm

.  .  .  .  .  .  .  .


ABOUT RWS/CONTACT





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